Anna Wineheart Books

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The Buttler Brothers Book Club

“Brothers!” Hunner announced, straightening his suit over his deliciously round body. “Welcome to the first ever Buttler Brothers Bouncy Book Club!”

“Book Bash,” Hijinks said, twirling his handlebar mustache. “A pity we have no boobs in today’s book, or it would’ve been the Buttler Brothers Bouncy Boobs Book Bash.”

Everyone sighed.

“We have bouncy butts, though!” Hassel said under his cowboy hat.

As one, the Brothers began to bounce in their seats, clapping the chairs with their asses.

Hunner snickered and wielded his hammer—a huge sparkly purple dildo. Its balls thunked loudly against the table. “Order, order! Let’s spread our book cheeks and begin.”

Each Brother drew out two books—699 Pickup Lines For Your Wriggly Heart Muffin, and Burning Enemies of Fate.

The acquisition for Burning Enemies of Fate had taken a while. Initially, the Brothers had wanted to do a bulk order from Zenith so they could all have a copy. Then Bruiser and Uriel had agreed to let Zenith publish the book so the world could read it. That had taken more time, and the Brothers had waited impatiently until they could each buy two copies—one for the original story, and the other for today’s book club meeting.

So they could make permanent… enhancements.

“Who’s ready for the book boob job?” Hansel said, flipping open his familiar pink book.

Uriel had charmed several highlighters that could move lines of text between books. He probably wouldn’t have done it if he’d known what the Brothers were using it for.

Oh well.

Hunner selected the perfect pickup line from 699 Pickup Lines. He bathed the words in neon pink, then turned his highlighter around to tap the back of it against his selected passage. Carefully, he touched the inky tip to the highlighted line, lifted it off the page, and painstakingly swapped out the words Ulgon yelled at Burnzinger.

“Behold,” Hunner cried, leaping to his feet. “I have made an improvement.”

“Ooooh,” said his Brothers.

Hunner picked up his book and began to read. “‘Ulgon threw Burnzinger against the wall and snarled in his face, “You delectable scoundrel! You crawl over my skin and sniff in my pits like you’ve found buried treasure! Never have I met someone who wants to wear the smell of my armpits on his face!”’”

Handsome’s monocle glinted. “Oh, oh! I have the perfect follow-up!” He cleared his throat and read from his copy, “‘Burnzinger shoved back against the mage, their faces inches apart. “My love sword is growing taller, trying to reach you,” Burnzinger growled. “Won’t you touch the tips of our throbbing cucumbers so they can make their liquid confessions?”’”

“I know what comes after!” Hector cried, flaunting his rubber ducky cummerbund. “‘The mage and the prince glowered into each other’s eyes. Without warning, their pants dropped and their love rods wrestled their way out, desperately seeking their lost soulmate. Their love muscles waved in the air like snakes trying to scent each other, spitting love juices as they gazed into each other’s single eye.’”

“That’s not in the book,” Hunner said, tickled.

Hector straightened his suit collar. “I merged the narrative with a pickup line. Perfect, isn’t it?”

Henry dabbed a handkerchief against his rheumy eyes and read from his own modified book. “‘“What are our cocks doing?!” Ulgon cried.

“‘Burnzinger shoved him away, but his wriggly tentacle turned unerringly toward Ulgon’s love rod like a cobra about to strike. He grabbed his crotch and gasped, “My divining rod senses a great emptiness inside you, that can only be filled with my youthful secretions.”

“‘Ulgon brandished his turgid weapon. “Stand back, foul prince!”

“‘Burnzinger grasped his sausage with both hands and tried to wrench it away, but his love muscle had found its mate and would not stand down. The prince yelled as his throbbing meat dragged him toward Ulgon. “I can’t stop my body! It’s thrusting me forward!”

“‘“Did it turn sentient?” Ulgon asked, horrified.

“‘“Fuck if I know!” Burnzinger cried, his love rod spitting great ropes of fluid in its attempts to connect with its mate.

“‘Ulgon shook his head gravely. “You should go to the palace physician. He will treat your illness.”

“‘But Ulgon’s own body was dragging him forward, toward Burnzinger’s blushing meat stick. Their swords pointed at each other like magnets, liquid heat crackling between them. Love juices shot out of their tips like the musical fountain of fate.

“‘“This is just so wrong, so right, it drives me out of my mind to know that when we fight.” Ulgon shuddered, the words bursting out of him. He strained backward but his hips thrust forward, streams of youthful essence spewing from his carnal weapon. “When we fight, our bodies align and rub together like two brain cells in an apocalyptic landscape.”

“‘“It’s just you and me,” Burnzinger said, his gaze burning like the hot coals of his loins. “And my third leg makes three.”’”

“That wasn’t in the book,” Hunner said, tears streaming down his cheeks in utter awe. “Henry, this is a masterpiece.”

“Hear, hear!” said their swooning Brothers. Several were clutching their chests.

“We should send a copy of that to Dicky Mems,” Hijinks said sagely. “A signed copy.”

“And one for each of us,” Hector said. “It will be our new Holy Grail.”

“The companion book to our Holy Grail,” Hunner corrected him. “This is the way all love stories should go. A practical application of pickup lines. Our Masters should read and learn. Especially those still looking for a mate.”

Everyone nodded.

“How soon until we can all get a copy?” Hijinks asked.

“I have Zenith on call for bulk orders,” Hunner said.“If Uriel has a replicating spell… maybe we’ll get it soon.”

The Buttler Brothers were already pulling out their wallets.

***

“This… What is this?” Bruiser said, carefully unwrapping the book.

Zenith and Uriel looked over his shoulders, and froze.

“That’s… not the book I wrote,” Zenith said, staring at the cover. Instead of two men baring only their chests at each other, their pants were now open. But it wasn’t the indecency anyone expected. A tentacle reached out of Ulgon’s pants, and a thick cucumber protruded from Burnzinger’s.

Uriel read the book’s title. “‘Burning Enemies of Fate: The Modified Version’. Oh no.”

Bruiser narrowed his eyes. “Don’t tell me…”

Zenith took the book and flipped it open. He froze, paling quickly. “What the fuck?”

Uriel looked. And made gagging sounds. “Oh gods.”

“Is that… a pickup line?” Bruiser asked.

“Worse,” Zenith said faintly. “It’s all pickup lines. Even the parts that are not dialogue.”

“Like… the sex scenes?” Uriel dared to ask.

Zenith flipped to one. Then he dropped the book like a hot love muscle. “I did not see that. Please tell me it doesn’t exist.”

“It doesn’t exist,” Uriel said, but he was opening the book, starting to read it with morbid fascination. “This is a weapon of mass destruction.”

“Please keep it away from me,” Bruiser said.

“I’ll put it under your pillow!” Hunner yelled from somewhere. “I’ll play the audio softly in the background, and you will hear it in your dreams.”

“There’s an audiobook?” Bruiser whispered, horrified.

“If I could make it a texture book, you would be able to feel it,” Hunner said, popping up behind them. “You would feel every throbbing love muscle and every sticky drop of carnal essence, you will taste their bulging—”

Bruiser put his hand on Hunner’s face, and pushed him out of the mansion. “In your dreams.”

“All the time,” Hunner sighed.

***
Need more books to read? Here are Bruiser’s friends’ books:

Telos/Mav – How to Rescue Your Surprise Baby
Crush/Killian – Guarded By His Alpha Wolf
Ace/Ivo – The Accidental Dragon Baby
Doc/Ottis – Alpha Dragon Steals A Mate
Zenith/Emre – The Pregnant Wolf Omega Next Door

Next book in Cartfalls (1st in new spin-off series) – How to Accidentally Marry An Alpha Dragon