To download the chapter:
Mobi and Epub formats available here!
Hong’s Banned Books
Chapter 1: Hong’s Banned Books
This was the biggest day of Hong’s life. His crowning glory. His five minutes of fame.
He strode into the entertainment room in his quarters in Blade’s mansion, a large cardboard box under one arm. “Brothers! You’ll never believe what I’ve found, y’all. This will bring your buttlering to the next level and you will thank me.”
Henry squinted suspiciously with his rheumy eyes. “Is this like the time you told me there was a dick in the banana, only for it to be a regular banana?”
Hong grinned. “No. Give me one second to unpack. This will be the most glorious thing you’ve ever set your eyes upon. The most mind-blowing. Fantastical. You will leave a changed man.”
He set the box on the low table with a flourish, wrenching open its flaps. His brothers crowded around.
Hong grabbed a handful of 699 Pickup Lines For Your Wriggly Heart Muffins and began shoving them into his brother’s hands.
“Pickup lines?” Hans said doubtfully, tall and lanky and rubbing his chin.
“‘Your Wriggly Heart Muffin’,” Hudson read, glee scrawled through his middle-aged face. “This is already starting to show promise.”
“Read the interior. Your masters will ban this book.” Hong watched as they began flipping through the pages.
“Oh,” Henry breathed, his eyes lighting up. “‘My love for you is so creamy, I beat my chest every night so you’ll hear the vibrations of my love.’”
Hans cackled. “‘To show your appreciation for your loved one, bring twenty lamps into their bedroom. Turn them on all at the same time and declare, ‘My love for you is as blinding as these lamps!’ And whip your butt out! They’ll love it!”
Hudson was wheezing. “‘You and I should go on a magic carpet ride. We will hang off the carpet like monkeys and you will see my chest muscles quiver with excitement.’”
Hong’s brothers dissolved into laughter, tears leaking from their eyes.
“Yaeggie and Elson will love some pickup lines,” Henry cackled. “It will spice up their spicy life.”
“I will wrap them around the cutlery. Demon Master and Liem can’t miss it,” Hudson said, wiping his eyes.
“I’ll do one better. I will display them on the wall above Boss Master and Samsen’s heads wherever they go,” Hans declared. “These lines will be in every room of their house.”
“And I,” Hong announced dramatically, “will paint it on Blade and Joey’s bedroom ceiling in glow-in-the-dark ink. They will read the declaration in bed and be reminded of their love for each other.”
“Damn it,” Henry grumbled. “That’s better than my plans! I was going to program it into their car radio. It will play every time they turn the music on.”
The brothers cackled.
Hex clutched his book to his chest. “Griff has been moping because he wants a mate. I will arm him with these and he shall go forth and conquer!”
Everyone clapped him on the back.
“I can feel another threat coming up,” Hong said fondly. “Cop Master will try to fire me again.”
All his brothers nodded in agreement. “Same.”
“But they never do,” Hudson said.
“They love us too much,” Hans added.
“So,” Hong said. “We shall implement these at the same time. This weekend. Our masters will not know what hit them.”
Henry, Hudson, and Hans snickered.
Their other brothers all seemed hopeful and gleeful. The world would not know what hit it.
“I will report back when Griff uses the lines,” Hex promised.
Hong stood solemnly, cradling his copy of 699 Pickup Lines For Your Wriggly Heart Muffin. “In the meantime, maybe we should come up with our own lines and send them to Dicky Mems,” he said. “We should construct a shrine to Dicky, king of unholy pickup lines.”
“Hear, hear!” his brothers cheered.
As one, they stood up and waved their books in the air.
Then they filed out of the mansion, cheerful determination on their faces.
***
Two weeks later, Yaeger turned on the car radio.
Henry’s voice came through the speakers. “‘Yaeggie and Elson, do you remember the love you share? You should clasp each other’s hands and look each other in the eye. And whisper these words: Your butt globes are bouncy and they deliver the purest sparkling love nectar. I will swim in an Olympic-sized pool of your love juices and emerge from their depths to flex my throbbing muscles for you.”
Yaeger gave his car radio the hairy eyeball, and glanced at Elson.
Elson was gagging. “What the hell was that?”
“I don’t know,” Yaeger said slowly. “But I would absolutely collect your love juices and pour it all over my chest.”
Elson buried his face in his hands, and groaned.
***
Onyx sat down at the dinner table, raising an eyebrow at the cream-colored paper wrapped around the cutlery.
“What’s that?” Liem picked up his set of cutlery and pulled off the paper. “‘Dear Onyx,’” he read. “‘Your balls are like—’”
He made a strangled noise.
Onyx raised an eyebrow. “Keep going.”
“It’s so bad, oh gods.”
“Now I need to hear it.”
Liem made a face like he’d just sucked on a lemon. “‘Your balls are like big brass knockers that pound on the doors of my heart. But you can also break open my doors with the battering ram of your love rod. I will lay myself out to be blessed with your milky juices, and we will spin in circles and ascend to the heavens.’”
Onyx winced. “Not quite how I would say it.”
He unwrapped the paper from his own set of cutlery.
Liem grimaced. “Do I want to know?”
“‘Liem, your eyes are like the ocean. I could fall into them and never get out. But that will mean I’m stuck forever inside your body looking out through your eyes like a prisoner.’”
“Oh my dear gods,” Liem whispered, horrified.
***
There were words floating on the wall above Valor’s head. Samsen glanced at them at first, curious.
Valor, when I look at you I see our future: Us walking hand in hand down a boulevard, between fountains of cum spraying to the beat of our hearts.
Samsen froze, rubbing his eyes. But the words kept shining on the wall like someone had acquired an old-school movie projector, and they were determined to keep the words there.
“Sparrow?” Valor murmured.
Samsen shook his head and kept staring. “What is that?”
Valor turned and looked over his shoulder, and sucked in a slow breath. “What.”
When he turned back, his gaze went above Samsen’s head, flicking back and forth.
Samsen had a bad feeling about this. He turned slowly, only to see words on the wall above his own head.
Samsen, you are the light of my life. By that I mean you light me up like a glow stick in a Halloween toy. You shone the light in through my cock. It has spread through my body and filled my fingers and toes. Soon, I will have enough light to shine into your butthole and we will become beacons in the night sky.
Samsen breathed in and out, completely speechless.
“I suggest that we look into each other’s eyes, and no higher than that,” Valor said. “I do not wish to acquire nightmares.”
“Me neither.” Samsen grimaced.
***
Blade pinned Joey against the mattress, nuzzling down his neck and pressing sucking kisses along his collarbone. With one hand, he reached over to turn out the lights.
They fell into pitch darkness. He was planning on exploring Joey’s body this way, seeing what kinds of sounds he could wring out of his mate.
“Um, Blade?” Joey said, sounding unsure.
Blade paused. “What is it?”
“There’s… something on the ceiling.”
Joey’s tone was off. Blade paused, looking over his shoulder.
Green words glowed on the ceiling. Blade stiffened and covered Joey with his body, reading the words quickly.
Love is when Papa Carrot and Daddy Carrot come together to rub their carrots together. The carrot juices will spill everywhere and create a fountain of happiness. Tell each other the 3 most important words: I Love Carrots.
Blade groaned. There was only one person who could’ve done this. “Hong. Stay out of our bedroom, you fucker!”
Elsewhere in the mansion, Hong cackled.
“We’re ignoring him,” Blade growled. “He has no place in this bed.”
“Good,” Joey whispered.
For the rest of that night, Blade made damn sure that his name was the only one on Joey’s mind.
–
Chapter 2: Extra Awkward Group Chat
(There’s a line in How to Hide Your Stolen Baby, about Samsen accidentally announcing to everyone that he blew Valor under his desk. The grievous error is that I didn’t think of it while I was writing How to Hide Your Vampire Kid. So here it is now!)
Samsen: Omg. Omg the most embarrassing thing just happened.
Samsen: I can’t believe I’m even talking about it
Elson: What happened????
Samsen: So Valor made me hide under his desk
Samsen: He ummm made me take his cock out
Samsen: He wanted me to suck on it
Samsen: So I sucked him
Samsen: AND THEN ALL THE BOSSES CAME IN
Samsen: OH GODS
Samsen: I HAD HIS COCK IN MY MOUTH
Samsen: THEY WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT WORK
Samsen: I WAS STUCK UNDER THE DESK
Elson: Wow, that’s really kinky
Liem: I can’t believe you guys actually did that
Joey: Did they find out???
Samsen: ((BREATHES))
Samsen: They thought he was sick, he was breathing so hard
Samsen: (hiding eyes emoji)
Liem: Omg
Elson: Holy
Samsen: He convinced them he was ok but FANG STAYED BEHIND
Samsen: And Valor pulled me out from under the desk and ummmm
Samsen: Um he ummm finished the job
Samsen: In front of Fang
Samsen: Apparently Fang knew I was there the whole time
Joey: Omg!!!
Elson: In your butt??
Liem: In front of Fang?!?!?
Samsen: Yes, in my butt
Samsen: Yes, IN FRONT OF FANG
Samsen: Someone please kill me
Joey: Did you at least find it hot?
Samsen: …yes……
Liem: Do you regret it?
Samsen: No… Does that make me a bad person?
Yaeger: Wow, Valor
Telos: I know, right?
Blade: That was risky
Onyx: I believe we can all learn from Val and Samsen
Telos: Ah, it feels great to open my mouth once more. We all had to shut up because we wanted the juicy news
Samsen: ………. did I just post all that in the wrong chat
Samsen: I did, didn’t I
Samsen: OH GOSDS
Elson: I thought you were doing it to show off!
Joey: Or to, um, tell Valor’s friends
Samsen: OH DEAR GODS
Samsen: NNO
Samsen: THAT WAS MEANT FOR YUOR EYES ONLY
Doc: This chat is for important news
Telos: Public buttfucking is important news
Doc: By ‘important news’ I meant things related to kidnappings
Samsen: oh gods someone please kill me now
Samsen: Please unsee the above
Samsen: You did not read any of it
Valor: No one will kill Samsen or you’ll suffer my wrath
Valor: For the record, Samsen is VERY good at all of it
Samsen: I’m choking
Samsen: (hiding face in hands emoji)
Blade: I guess Val has gone to rescue his boyfriend
Yaeger: the only thing Samsen is allowed to choke on, is Valor’s cock
Onyx: Maybe Val has gone to replace the cause of choking
Yaeger: Maybe we should all share some pics so Samsen won’t feel so bad
Elson: Share pics of WHAT???
Yaeger: You choking on my cock (smiling emoji)
Elson: No showing that to your friends!!!!
Yaeger: All right. I guess we shouldn’t make them jealous
Yaeger: But I’m definitely bringing Elson to my office the next time (smiling emoji) I have a big desk
Blade: Yeah, way to make the rest of us envious, Yaegs
Yaeger: Don’t worry, you’ll find your very own mate soon
Yaeger: Then you can stuff them full of cum too, like me
Blade: I have no idea how you managed to snag Elson, you crude lumpy reptile
Yaeger: Says the uptight lumpy reptile
Yaeger: I bet you have dreams of stuffing SOMEONE up with cum
Blade: …
Joey: ….. omg
–
[Private chat]
Joey: Um… that wasn’t about me, was it?
Blade: Of course it’s about you
Joey: But why would you feel envious?
Blade: Because I’m stuck doing double shifts at work instead of having you in my bed
Joey: Ok now I’m blushing
Blade: Got time for a call? I’m in bed. Ready for a good chat. I’ll send some pics
Joey: (blushing emoji) yes please
–
If you haven’t read How to Hide Your Stolen Baby, grab it here!
https://mybook.to/HideStolenBaby