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The Butler Bros Watch Party

Handsome cleared his throat amidst the rhythmic thumps going on in the background. “Took you all long enough to show up!”

Henry scoffed, rheumy eyes glimmering. “I had to make sure Young Master was all set with his mate and babies. The dragonets are having a ton of fun burning everything up.”

Tall and thin Hans added, “Boss Master wanted some extra blood bags at the last minute. I think they’re trying out something kinky in the bedroom.” He wriggled his eyebrows.

“Cop Master wanted to escape the pickup lines,” Hong said with a disapproving cluck of his tongue. His historical Chinese robe swished around him. “I made sure they could not escape.”

All the brothers snickered at that.

Handsome swept his gaze over the sea of his gathered siblings, all of them in the living room, with buckets of popcorn and fizzy drinks between them. “Anyhow. Welcome to the nightly courtship ritual,” he said with a flourish. “You missed the grand opening where Lord Fangy threw his Consort halfway across the room onto the bed.”

“Halfway!” Hex cheered, waving his knobbly hands. “Was it a touchdown?”

“I think he bounced,” Handsome said. “Does it count if he almost bounces off the bed?”

“It’ll count if Lord Fangy makes a save,” Hudson said sagely. He touched the tiny horns on his forehead. “But only if he throws his Consort back onto the bed.”

“He totally did,” Handsome said, holding up an ice cream cone like a mic. “We all held our breath as Lord Fangy threw his Consort the furthest any dragon has ever thrown his mate. Lord Consort went sailing through the air like a well-oiled ball—”

“Balls,” Hector corrected, straightening his rubber duckie cummerbund. “It’s not challenging if it’s just a single ball.”

“Who has a single ball, anyway?” Handsome cleared his throat. “Let’s not get distracted. Lord Fangy scored a double touchdown because he threw his Consort onto the bed twice, then he took a running jump and leaped onto the bed, which did not break!”

His brothers ooohed.

“You should put a sensor under the mattress so it triggers a recording of a pickup line whenever one of them gets on it,” Henry said sagely.

“And another behind the headboard so every time it bangs against the wall, it triggers another pickup line. There’ll be a queue of pickup lines going while they perform their, ah, nightly courtship,” Hudson added excitedly. “It’ll be the background music to their continuing love.”

“We need a sensor supplier,” Hong said urgently. “Why didn’t I think of this? The sensors can go everywhere. In the car seat, at the breakfast table, when they flush the toilet—”

“All of you are going to be fired,” Handsome cackled. “I love it!”

“Ah, such cruelty, Hiddly,” Hector said calmly.

Handsome flipped him off with both hands, except it didn’t look very threatening when he was still holding onto his ice cream cone. “Fuck you. I left that name behind long ago.”

“Didn’t you tell your Lord Consort your name wasn’t Hiddly?” Hans asked.

“I said it wasn’t Hiddly Humpity Hump Bump,” Handsome said disdainfully. “There’s a difference. And shut up. That name is banned.”

“It’s totally obvious that Handsome isn’t your real name,” Hex said. “Everyone would want to know your original name.”

“Ah, but we all know,” Hudson said, in a way that made Handsome want to shake him a little.

A loud howl cut through their bickering like butter. The rhythmic thumps picked up speed.

Handsome leaped onto the coffee table, sending the buckets of popcorn flying. “And now,” he said in his sports announcer voice, “the One and Only, the Biggest and Greatest, the One True Alpha, Lord Fangy, has picked up his pace on the intense race to the Jizzapocalypse.”

“Are you recording this?” Hans asked.

“You bet I am! I’m giving them this commentary for their anniversary,” Handsome said proudly, listening to the growing howls and panting from upstairs. “Lord Fangy is throwing more and more balls into his Consort’s court! His Consort is overwhelmed with balls, but Lord Fangy is on a second wind! What’s this I hear? He’s giving his Consort even more balls! So many balls! The balls are bouncing off each other but reined in by the strong skin of their ballsacks! Their ballsacks must be made of Olympic-grade fishing nets, they’re bouncing so hard.”

“There are no fishing nets in the Olympics,” Henry pointed out.

“Shush! Lord Fangy is thrusting his battering ram like he’s storming a castle, he’s storming down the fleshy doors of his Consort’s—”

“That’s a bit much, don’t you think?” Hong asked, his face scrunched up. “You should call it ‘delicate cushions’.”

“Or ‘soft buns’,” Hector said. “Storming down his Consort’s soft buns with his zero-percent-fat hot dog.”

“Does that make his Consort’s slick the butter, or the gravy?” Hans asked.

“Hush!” Handsome glared. “The Lord Consort is begging for mercy, he’s struck speechless by the majestic hardness of his Lord Fangy’s love. He’s whimpering to be filled with His Throbbingness. Lord Fangy has the lead on the game and he’s bringing them toward the final goal as the cock ticks down—”

“The cock ticks up,” Henry declared.

“The cock is swelling!” Hudson added.

“The cock is counting backwards through time,” Hong said.

“The cock is buttering your cake and eating it too,” Hex sang.

“Shut up,” Galent roared from upstairs.

“Ah.” The butler brothers all sighed with satisfaction.

The thumping grew louder and more urgent. Then there came a scream and a roar, and all the butlers broke into applause.

“I’ve just put in an order for a thousand sensors,” Hong said, looking up from his phone. “And multiple surround-sound systems. They should get here in three days. Prepare your favorite lines, Brothers.”

All the brothers lit up, pulling out their well-worn copies of 699 Pickup Lines For Your Wriggly Heart Muffin. Pages flipped. Whispers were exchanged.

A plan had been set into action.

***

Five days later, several households across Cartfalls exploded with the roars of their masters, and the delighted cackling of their butlers.

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