(This is from my Dec 15, 2022 newsletter.)
So the last I emailed, I mentioned that Huz was going into hospice at home.
Hospice was difficult. Huz was confused quite a bit, and he slept quite a bit. The entire time, I kept thinking his breathing problems could be solved if he’d just get higher doses of steroids, which the hospice doctor wasn’t giving him.
I think he knew it was the end. A couple of times, he tried to tell me, but I wouldn’t listen. I kept thinking there was more we could do. That he could live a little longer.
Last Tuesday night, he passed in his sleep – the way he wanted.
I wrote this for the readers in my FB group:
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So Huz is gone.
He went peacefully in his sleep while I checked his pulse in his fingertips like ..?? oh no?? he was doing so well earlier?? and I had his daughter on chat with me as I told her his body was shutting down.
His heart stopped at 8:26pm, but the nurse would come and officially pronounce him at 9:10.
I’m… Idk. I wouldn’t say I’m heartbroken, because I’ve had almost 2 years to come to terms with this. What makes me sad is knowing all the love he had for me, knowing that he wanted to stay but he couldn’t. And the thought of him burning, but I try not to think about that.
I got my wish though. He was lucid, earlier today, for maybe a minute. When the nurse came to drain his catheter and he groaned after the draining and we looked at his oxygen saturation, and it was at 30-40%. The nurse said she had to go call her next patient, and I asked her if she thought I should call Huz’s family.
She said yes and left for a bit, I shot off a quick message, and went back to Huz.
His pupils were normal, not dilated. I took my mask off; he looked at me and I asked him who I was. He said my name. I told him it was the first time he’s been awake in a while, and we hugged. He never looked away from me.
I asked him if he remembered where we were going to meet in the afterlife, but he couldn’t pull that up offhand because it was something we’d decided on recently. (So I hope he remembers, but idk) He kind of flopped and fell asleep again after that.
His oxygen climbed after that so I thought maybe things were going to be ok – he went up to 98% !!! then dropped back to the 80s, and when I stopped midway between scanning some letters he wrote to me, I found that his O2 was back down to 40-60%, and texted his daughter.
Huz was still breathing pretty regularly, but over the next few minutes, his breathing slowed down by a lot, and the pulse oximeter stopped measuring his heartbeat. Then he stopped breathing, and his heart stopped.
I guess I was in shock or something. But I texted his kids, called the hospice, and was informed that the nurse would be here within the hour. I was talking to his daughter, and then I told my sister, and my sis stuck with me through the rest of the night on chat.
The nurse visit was interesting. The nurse was the same one who came to change him earlier (and show me how to change his bedding), and he went through a bunch of the stuff with me after listening to Huz’s heart and lungs.
The kids agreed, so I told him I intended to send Huz straight to cremation….. and even though I lost the sheet with all the lists of companies doing funeral/etc services, I remembered the name of the one I picked lol
Because the cremation company is called Omega Services 😂
I just thought it would be something funny, and I don’t think Huz would mind, either.
Anyway, the nurse left, and I spent the next few hours sitting with Huz. It didn’t feel creepy like I thought it would be (at least, at first). It felt like he was sleeping. So I took a few selfies with him, took pics of his tattoos, and poked his nose. I chatted with my sis about all of it, and sent her some pictures.
closer to the end of those hours, Huz started getting pretty stiff (ha) in the not-fun kind of way, which kind of made things a bit creepy. I went to pee, thought about all the stuff I would have to do when I woke up, and actually was startled to find him still in the room when I got back.
Then my go-pro camera beeped, and I got startled too 😂 it was not a good night!
(I mean, Huz and I had several instances where we thought he was going to die, so… I guess I was prepared for this one. Especially with how confused he was getting)
The undertakers finally showed up at about 1am (I requested a bit of extra time with Huz, but that almost was starting to feel too long due to the rigor mortis), and they were dressed in long black coats, black pants, black gloves. They let me take a pic of Huz’s ankle ID, and him on the gurney.
There’s one other thing though. Earlier, that same nurse came by to help me change Huz out of his pee bedding, and because the protective mattress cover under Huz was wet, he asked if he could put my towel under Huz to use as leverage to roll him. I said yes, why not, and that towel stayed with Huz.
So the undertakers moved Huz onto the gurney with that towel, and wrapped him up in it. Along with an old T-shirt I pulled out to accompany him to cremation. Which is a nice send-off, I think. (I mean, all he had on were diapers, but it’s not something he’d care about)
(I asked the undertakers if they enjoyed their job. lol. Probably not what they get asked regularly)
I also told Huz he’s coming back to me soon, because he is (just in a different form)
But anyway… it’s been a long night (and a long day of me barely eating) and I’m tired, I’m going to sleep
thank you for all your kind words, and thank you for riding with me on this journey ❤
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It’s been a week. I’ve been keeping myself busy, donating his unused medical supplies to an organization called Not Just Tourists, which takes supplies headed for the landfill, and sends them with tourists to various parts of the world to clinics and hospitals in need.
I’ve returned his medical equipment, too, and done a few administrative things. I’ve backed up the 60 days of videos I took with him. I’ve told most of my friends and family, and the rest of the time, I’ve just been watching the videos.
It feels like he’s right there in those videos.
At the end, he said he didn’t want to get in my way. He said that I was going to do great things. I wish I’d told him I didn’t mind caring for him however long it took, but I think he knew that. I wish I hadn’t spent so much time writing all the books this year, too, and spent that time with him instead. But I think he was content to be in the same room with me as I wrote.
I guess right now, I’m in a state of limbo. I know the next step is for me to clean up the house, and also to get started on the next book like I’d meant to. I know I’ll be okay once I have characters taking up space in my head again.
I just don’t want to accidentally forget him – my friends have told me this will not be the case.
So it’s just a matter of getting over myself and my worries, and moving forward.
I’ll check in again in the next email – probably the Meadowfall Advent Calendar email sometime around the 25th.
In the meantime, stay warm, and take care of you!