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If It Ain’t Broke, Fix It With Pickup Lines
Buttler Bro Life Motto: If it ain’t broke, fix it with pickup lines.
Howl Master and his Consort were running out of steam. Hansel had predicted it would happen, but did they listen? Nooope.
See, the pack had only been too happy to help with pup care after the pups were born. Four infants was a lot. Throw in Naddie, and the energy needed to keep up with them grew exponential.
Crush and Killian felt guilty about letting the pack help them so often, though. There was always someone in their cabin watching the pups, helping to feed or bathe them, and even though Crush gave them gifts in return, both he and Killian still felt uneasy accepting help.
Which brought them to their current situation:
They were on “vacation” at their Cartfalls mansion, trying to chase down pups as they scampered through the garden.
“I’m so tired!” Killian whined.
“Get some rest. I’ve got this,” Crush said, huffing as he chased down three pups.
“The trick is to baby-proof the entire place and let them wear themselves out,” Hansel said sagely, stroking the goatee he had grown just for this occasion. “By the time you have your second litter, you’ll be kicking back with mai tais while they dig a tunnel to the other side of the Earth.”
Killian shuddered. “No! I don’t want random visitors popping up in my backyard!”
“We’ll have spells to prevent that,” Crush said sagely. “Here, I know how to wear them out.”
He shifted into a wolf and chased all the pups around, except they scattered and barked at him, their little tails wagging as they watched him run after their youngest sibling.
“I don’t think this is working,” Killian said, flopping onto the grass next to Hansel. Wonder Cart wheeled circles around them.
Hansel perked up. “I know how to fix it!”
Killian cracked open one eye, suspicious.
Aww, why didn’t he have more faith in Hansel?
With a flourish, Hansel produced a folded slip of pink paper.
Killian groaned.
“It’s as good as magic,” Hansel whispered. He tucked it into Killian’s hand; Killian reluctantly opened it.
Immediately, a sparkling rainbow shone out of the paper and arced through the air.
“My honey pumpkin lemon juice sweet tart,” said Crush’s disembodied voice, or a very good imitation of it. “Your peach-butt is so juicy and sweet. My meat rod will toast your fleshy mounds and tunnel through them like a maniacal earthworm. We will make the perfect Pigs-In-A-Blanket, but with extra cream at the tip. All it’ll take is one taste of my pig in your blanket, and you will be oinking for more.”
Killian cringed and huddled into a tiny ball. “What the hell? What the actual fuck was that?”
“Great literature,” Hansel said solemnly.
“I second Kil,” Crush said drily. “What in the actual nut muffin was that?”
Hansel flapped his hand. “I have something for you too, Howl Master!”
He made sure the pups were all in the far corner of the yard. Then he slung a garland around Crush’s furry neck.
It was no ordinary garland.
In fact, it was a garland made of pink flowers that looked like labia, but in the middle of each set of lips was a bright pink cock that grew erect and shot white nectar, like a portable jizzing musical fountain.
“Here, you should pop this,” Hansel said, breaking a red bubble at the base of the garland.
Immediately, a tiny mouth opened at the base of each tiny cock and began to sing:
“Creamy sticks, creamy dicks
Open your mouth and get a treat
But whatever you do
Don’t put us in you
Or you will get pregnant too!”
Crush groaned. Killian hid his face in his hands.
“You’re getting their jizz all over you,” Killian cried. Beads of white fluid were rolling off Crush’s fur. The miniature cocks were starting to dance violently, shaking their drips everywhere.
“You should go indoors and wash it off,” Hansel said helpfully. “I’ll watch the pups.”
Crush and Killian frowned but agreed, heading in.
Scarcely had the back door closed behind them when disco lights shone through the house, visible through the windows.
“Long ago,” said Hansel’s prerecorded fairy-godfather voice, “when the world was young, fresh wood grew throughout the lands. They were as verdant as my love for you, big and bushy, tall and girthy. The thick trunks burrowed into the mountain cracks and pushed so deep, the mountains screamed, erupting with molten pleasure. This was how volcanoes were formed.”
“Ugh!” Killian cried.
“Hansel,” Crush growled.
“Relax and have a good date!” Hansel called back, cackling madly. For once, he wasn’t the one who had set this up—Crush’s brothers had paid him to. “May your fountain shoot high and mighty! May you spray forever like the fountain of youth!”
He pulled out earmuffs for the pups and went about covering all their ears.
Him, though, he was going to have a good time listening in.
Outtake #1 – The Dicky Mems Award Presentation
The hall was crammed with Butler Brothers, all of them squeezed into chairs, their eyes huge and expectant. Flags and banners waved gently above the crowd: Dicky For President! Dicky Mems Is King! We Love You Dicky! Stay here and be our god!
“This is weird,” Killian said to Hansel. “I don’t know him! I’ve never even read his book!”
“Doesn’t matter,” Hansel said. “If our god Dicky Mems wants to present you with an award, you just accept it, no questions asked.”
He helped Killian onto the small stage, then retreated to the side.
Killian felt awkward for all of two seconds, standing on what felt like a pedestal.
Then the air shimmered. Two people appeared on the stage next to him.
One of them looked like an alpha, all broad-shouldered and muscular. He was blond, wearing a floral print shirt, shorts, and flip flops, and he was holding the other man’s elbow.
The other man was Killian’s size, short and scrawny, but with bright eyes and a ready smile. He looked around in child-like wonder. “Is this the other universe?”
“Yes!” The alpha turned and bowed to their audience. “I’m Tyler Barnacle. Traveler of dimensions. This is my guest, Emmy—Or, well. I guess you know him better as Dicky Mems. His books have been massively popular in this universe.”
The Butler Brothers sucked in a collective gasp. “Dicky Mems! At your service.”
They stood as one. Then they bowed deeply.
Dicky watched them with absolute awe. “Are you my fans?”
“Yes!” one of the butlers shouted. “We’ve built you shrines in our bedrooms!”
As one, the Butler Brothers whipped out their pink books.
Dicky looked amazed and teary-eyed. He covered his mouth and looked as though he might leap into the crowd of butlers.
“Wait!” Hansel said. “Before we all ask for autographs. I think Your Honor Master Dicky Mems Sir is here for an award ceremony.”
“Oh!” Dicky perked up and looked around again, his attention landing on Killian. “You!”
Killian blinked. “Me?”
“Yes! Your wriggly butt-muffin buttler told me you have many amazing pickup lines,” Dicky said excitedly, pulling out a blue book from somewhere. Killian barely had time to mouth ‘wriggly butt-muffin buttler’ before Dicky spoke again. “He sent them to me, and my friend Niall stuffed them into a book! Here.”
He shoved the book into Killian’s hands and waited expectantly. Killian read the title.
Feeding My Foot Into Your Mouth: A Songbook
“Oh gods,” he whispered, flipping the page. In the book were lines upon lines of things he had said to Crush.
You do smell like a predator. You smell dangerous. But also safe. It’s like I’m stepping into the sea with a shark just a few feet away, but the shark brought me food.
You made the sandwich really thick. No! That sounds wrong too. My mouth can’t open that wide. See?
Your cock is so heavy, you could knock someone out with it. Like, have you ever leaped at someone without any pants on? I think your cock would poke their eye out.
“How… How did you get ahold of all this?!” Killian spluttered.
“I recorded them for posterity!” Hansel said. “One day, your pickup lines will be cherished by your descendants and voted as the second best book of pickup lines in the century. The best being 699 Pickup Lines, of course.”
Killian groaned and hugged the book to his chest. “Thanks, I guess.”
Dicky Mems shook Killian’s hand and wriggled his fingers over their joined hands. Nothing magical happened. Killian secretly breathed a sigh of relief.
“You should put your autograph in the book,” Dicky Mems said to Killian. Then he turned to the butlers. “Did you really want autographs?”
“Yes!” The butlers cried. They surged toward him and carried him off with maniacal glee.
Dicky Mems crowd surfed in their hands, following them out of the hall to parts unknown.
“What was that about?” Killian whispered.
The dimension traveler, Tyler, beamed. “Dicky has amassed several fans over the past few years. I thought it would be great if he finally got to meet them.”
Killian remembered the pickup lines secretly painted into the corners of Crush’s Cartfalls mansion. “Are they… going to show him all the crazy they’ve done?”
“I would count on it. It’ll probably take a while; I’ll be back later.” With a wave and a smile, Tyler Barnacle disappeared, leaving Killian alone in the hall filled with banners and scraps of pickup lines.
Outtake #2 – Fuck me like an animal
(NOTES: This can be read as an alternate version of the scene in the book, BUT in my mind, this mostly happens after Killian and Crush get together. I just wanted to play around with Killian’s “fuck me like an animal” line)
(WARNING: Crush shifts into his wolf shape later in this scene and things get frisky. You have been warned.)
–
“I want you to fuck me like an animal. I mean, fuck me like you’re the animal. I’m not the animal here.”
Crush buried his face in Killian’s shoulder, his own shoulders shaking.
“Hey!” Killian frowned.
“What kind of animal, sweetheart?” Crush snickered. “You weren’t being specific enough. Should I fuck you like a sloth? Like a snake? Like a penguin?”
Killian gaped. “How does a sloth even fuck?”
Crush slid in… and out… of him… terribly… slowly… “Sloth.”
“No! Vetoed!” Killian cried.
“Snake?” Crush wriggled his hips from side to side. It made his cock go the opposite direction inside Killian, like a pendulum. It was strange. “Penguin?” Crush mimicked a penguin’s waddle, but it only made his cock wriggle inside.
“No! Like a wolf,” Killian said, and paused. “Wait. Are the rainforest gods going to smite you if I ask that?”
Crush cocked his head as though listening. “No, the Amazon rainforest seems to be thundering right now. I can finally answer your other question about my wolf cock.”
“Which question?”
“You asked if my wolf cock gets stuck in grass when I run,” Crush said dryly. “The answer is no, because it’s not usually hanging out of my sheath.”
“Unless you had to pull out and run?”
“That might get awkward. It’s heavy,” Crush admitted.
“Can I… see?”
Crush growled. He pulled out and shifted, turning into a majestic grey wolf standing on the bed caging Killian in. Killian ran his fingers through Crush’s short fur, his breath stuttering at the thick, red wolf cock hanging between his legs, pointed at the tip.
“Have you, um.” Killian swallowed. “Have you…”
“Have I mated anyone in this shape? No,” Crush rumbled.
Killian hid his face. “How did you know what I was going to ask?”
“Your lust spiked when you looked at my wolf cock, sweetheart. You want it inside you.”
Killian grew wetter. Crush growled and pressed his furry snout to Killian’s body, licking down his belly and all over his cock. Then he nosed under Killian’s sac, and flicked his flat tongue over Killian’s hole.
“Crush,” Killian gasped.
Crush pushed his tongue in, fucking Killian lightly with it. It was a barely-there presence, tiny flicks of pressure. “If you want to be mounted, get on all fours.”
Killian had never rolled over this quickly in his life. Then Crush was straddling him, fur brushing over Killian’s back, his smooth, wet cock sliding between Killian’s cheeks.
“Please,” Killian whimpered, spreading himself open.
The wolf snarled. And that pointed tip nudged against Killian’s crack, before notching against his hole and pushing inside.
It felt different from his human cock, thicker and blunter closer to his tip, and slightly thinner toward his base. Killian shoved himself down on it; Crush bit Killian’s shoulder, holding him in place as he crammed his wolf cock inside.
“I c-can’t believe a wolf is fucking me,” Killian panted, dripping all over the bed.
“You got so fucking wet when I pushed into you,” Crush growled. “You keep clenching around me, sucking me deeper. It’s like you want to be bred by a wolf.”
Killian moaned. Crush pinned him down and hammered into him hard, his furry sheath brushing against Killian’s hole. Killian wheezed. “I want your cum. Please. Want your wolf cum.”
“You’re such a dirty little rabbit,” Crush growled in his ear. “So eager to be bred by an animal. Spreading your legs for me, showing me your wet hole. I’m going to come and give you my knot. Fuck. Knot you as a wolf, let you feel what it’s like to be properly bred.”
Killian came hard, clenching around Crush. Crush snarled and pounded in harder. Then he came, violent bursts of cum splattering all over Killian’s inner walls. His knot swelled at his base.
“Are we going to turn around so we’re ass-to-ass?” Killian mumbled.
“No, we don’t have to do that. I want to see how far I can take you with my knot. Breed you with it, make you come with it.” Crush kept on rocking in, his fur rubbing against Killian’s skin, his knot pushing down against Killian’s sensitive spot.
Killian wheezed, his body growing hot again. “C-can’t believe I’m this hot for your wolf cock.”
“We’re fated fuckmates, aren’t we?” Crush growled. “That means you love all my kinks. Love my cock in any of its shapes.”
Killian ground himself onto Crush’s cock, needing more. “M-maybe.”
“You know it is. Especially when you can’t stop going into heat around me. Want to spend your next heat like this, bunny? Mounted by a wolf, bred full like this? Want to be tied down to a breeding bench, tied open so all you can do is take my wolf cock?”
Killian grew even hotter, his orgasm taking him by surprise. “Y-yes! Oh gods, I c-can’t believe it.”
“Can’t believe that you want to be held down and held open?” Crush laughed throatily, still grinding into him. “You’d drop everything just to have me inside you. It’s amazing. You’re amazing.”
Crush raked his teeth over Killian’s shoulder. Then he bit down, breaking skin to leave a bonding mark.
With a cry, Killian came again, clenching around Crush’s knot.
“Fuck,” Crush hissed, his hips jerking as he shot a second load into Killian’s body.
Killian flopped against the bed, floating in hazy bliss. “If anyone asks how I got this bonding mark, I’m not going to tell them.”
Crush licked the bleeding teeth marks. “But you’ll certainly remember how you got it. And you’ll get wet, ready for me to breed you again.”
Killian groaned, pulling a pillow over his head.
But he couldn’t deny the truth in Crush’s words.
–
If you haven’t read Guarded By His Alpha Wolf, find it here: Guarded By His Alpha Wolf
And if you’re curious about Dicky Mems, here is his book! A Daddy for the Stowaway Omega